We’ve all had bad first dates. And then there are these folks.

All stories are real and so good I’m going to get out of the way and let them do the talking:

She wanted a man. Not a wanted man. “I was 21 when the 35[ish] George Costanza lookalike showed up at my doorstep to take me out on a blind date. He kept trying to speak German to me at the Glass Museum. When that didn’t go over so well he proceeded to speak in tongues at a coffee shop. Yes, tongues. Hoping to never see him again [but then] he moved into the apartment next to mine. I didn’t really see him, thankfully, and he just kind of disappeared for a while until he showed up on the news as a wanted thief on the run.” —L, who wins this whole thing, by the way.

He puked. She paid. Everyone lost. “Triple Door, great concert. First date with a short someone who had way too many martinis at dinner. He threw up under the table and then proceeded to get us kicked out. As I tried to hold my head high, he threw up again in a flowerpot in the lobby and the hostess looked at me with eyes that said, “Sucks to be you!” Then they handed me the bill, for the drinks and both concert tickets—which he hadn’t paid for. I drove [him] home and seriously never saw him again.” —Aimee Hayes

To eat delicious food OR to cuddle. That is the question. You can’t do both. “We went to [generic chain restaurant] for dinner. I unfortunately ordered the shrimp. Moments after getting cuddly and snuggly back at my place, explosive disaster occurred.” But was the shrimp even good? “Delicious. Quit deceiving.” —Steve Warner

Setup by his family. REALLY setup by hers. “I was at a family party (Filipino family parties usually consist of 20-30 people) and someone’s daughter from Balayan (my family’s hometown in the Philippines) had just moved here. They tried to set us up and it was really awkward and neither of us seemed interested. Seven months later she had a baby. Yay. She moved back to the Philippines and ended up marrying her baby’s daddy. But then for some reason years later I would see them sometimes at family parties and it was really awkward. Glad it worked out for her though.” —Roberto Diaz

No eye contact. No talking. No nothing. “Christian dating site. Grandma’s bakery. Golf tee triangle challenge. Awkward conversation. Girl leaves in silence. Never made eye contact with me the whole date. She just kept jumping those golf tees. I tried asking her some questions to get the conversation off the ground but she just started jumping the tees faster and faster and faster. Finally I said, ‘Uhhh I guess maybe I should go,’ to which her first and final words were uttered ‘Yes, I would like that.” —Walker Sherman

Not just a worst first. Her first was her worst. “My first date ever was in high school. I thought he was taking me to dinner and a movie. He did. Except when he picked me up it was him and six other friends, the movie was [a gross-out comedy], and I not only had to buy my ticket, but his as well. Dinner was Burger King after which I also had to pay for. Best part of the night: someone accidentally knocked an entire cup of soda in his lap at BK. He had to sit in soggy Mountain Dew shorts the whole way home. Smelled like justice.” —Amanda Sherman, who’s last date was her best, because she married him (Walker)

He did not have the moves like Jagger. “I also went to a roller skating rink with my 7th grade boyfriend (he was in 8th grade) and during couples skate he was trying to do all of these really cool moves and he fell. Like SO BAD that it knocked the wind out of him and he was trying not to cry.” —My wife, who has yet to see my 90s rollerblade moves, for good reason

He got fresh . . . by accident. Not funky fresh, just regular fresh. “Senior in college in the 60s. Friend begged me repeatedly to take out his girlfriend’s girlfriend. I finally agreed. Called her and invited her out to dinner/movie. She agrees but needs me to go to her brother’s junior high football game first. I agree, but not happily. Freezing, cold, and very rainy standing on the sidelines. I’m holding umbrella mostly over her. Hand gets very cold. Change hands to warm it up. See her empty coat pocket. Ask her if I can put my hand in her coat pocket to warm it up. Her: “I think not!” I took her home after the game. No dinner. No movie No fun. Called another girl. Went out and had good time.” —My dad, Joe Kempston

It was her birthday and he was IN LOVE. “It was my 18th birthday. I hadn’t intended to go out for a first date with a guy, it just happened that way. He was in the Army, I was in high school. I don’t even remember what we did, but what I do remember is his favorite subject—HIM. He talked incessantly about his accomplishments, his talents, his brains. You name it. Mind you, it was not HIS birthday. He finally did getting around to asking me a few questions. ‘What was it about me that made you want to go out with me?’ and ‘What is the most attractive thing about me? My hair? My eyes? How fit I am?’ I couldn’t wait to go home.” —My sister, Lisa Anderson

He popped this question on the first date. “Military Ball with a friend who was probably more interested in me than I was in him. But hey, it’s a free dinner. Conversation was lagging. He barely talked the whole night. Drove home and finally after long silence finally asked me, “So, do you like cats or dogs better?” I told him I had homework to finish. It was a Saturday night . . . yeah.” —My wife, and yes, she gets two, and she likes dogs infinitely better


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