The murder spot is your new #relationshipgoals

the spot

My wife and I have this concept we call the murder bed or spot. When we are at home or on vacation the side of the bed I sleep on is dictated by whichever person is closer to any suspect door or window. While that person is “theoretically” getting murdered, the other can escape. Hence, wherever I sleep is monikered “the murder spot.”

When I am traveling, my wife counters the murder spot (which she would then be sleeping in because she’s alone) with her adept skill at crafting booby traps inspired by the movie Home Alone. Give her some scattered Legos and pillows wedged under doors and she will work some DIY magic. We even have micro machines that I saved from my childhood, but she does not use these. Anyhow, I won’t tell you all of her crafty tricks, because that would defeat the purpose of a booby trap. You are not supposed to see it coming, you are supposed to feel it closing in on you.

The best part about the murder spot is that is crosses all lines. Anyone can sleep in it on behalf of someone they care about. All you need is the will to take a long time in getting murdered so that your partner can escape. Or just put your dog there.

You’ve probably already been using this principle for years without knowing it. For some, like my nephew Alex, the murder spot is all about the thrill, and he says he “can’t sleep without a little danger.” For others, the murder spot can be harder to identify…

Our good friend Linnea faced the ultimate test. “I almost had an anxiety attack the first night we slept in our current home. The decision as to which side of the bed to sleep on was a major dilemma for me. We have our bedroom door (which I normally avoid sleeping next to at all costs in any situation) but the other side of the bed is the door to our back deck. And the window in front of the bed.”

What to do? The obvious solutions would be to get two more husbands, but this is not legal, decent, or prudent. Yet whatever method she ended up choosing has proved in her favor since she is still around to tell me this story.

Sometimes the equation gets really hard. A few weeks ago, I was confronted with this dilemma: three beds in a hotel room and three guys. Questions you have to ask, “Where is the murder spot? And what order do we want to go down?” So I slept by the door and my brother-in-law slept by the window and my dad the patriarch slept safely in the middle bed. Easy, right?

Nope, we failed.

Turns out there is another rule that supersedes the murder spot that I was unaware of. It is called the “prostate spot” and I will let my more knowledgeable patriarch, Joe Kempston, explain it. “When you’re over 70, and you’re a guy, the bed choice in a hotel is very easy. The guy, who we can now refer to as prostate-man, gets the bed closest to the bathroom!! This is not me, of course.”

Bottom line, this really should have been the subject of a How I Met Your Mother episode because Barney Stinson would’ve explained this way better than me.

And the most important question you should ask yourself…is someone making you unwittingly sleep in the murder spot without you knowing…?

 

 

 

 

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